Joe Pyne interviewing Frank Zappa
Joe: “I guess your long hair makes you a woman.”
FZ: “I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.”
During WW1, Switzerland had a tiny standing army, but they were very skilled marksmen. Wilhelm II of Germany asked what 250k Swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k German troops.
The Swiss said, “Shoot twice and go home.”
A guy makes fun of his bald friend by rubbing his head and saying, “Wow, your head is as smooth as my wife’s bottom.” The friend also rubs his head and says, “Wow – you’re right.”
Winston Churchill, of course.
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.
Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”
David Letterman: I’m not as dumb as I look.
Tina Fey: How could you be?
Ghandi after a Reporter asked him a question.
Reporter: What do you think of Western Civilisation
Ghandi: I think it would be a good idea
Context: John Oliver from HBO interviews Stephen Hawking (may he rest in peace)
JO: And there may be a universe where I am more intelligent than you?
SH: There may even be a universe where you are funny.
My mom was a librarian and pulled this one on a rude patron.
“Are you getting smart with me?”
“Would you be able to tell?”
Woman I work with, but don’t like, was in a MOOD one morning. Male colleague comes in, after putting up with her for a bit, looks at her and says, ‘Are you on your period or something?’. She turns around and stony-eyed says, ‘I woke up in a pool of blood and if you don’t shut the fuck up, you’ll end your day the exact same way.’ Never respected her until then.
in middle school a boy asked when I was going to grow some boobs. So I asked him when he was donating his……
I’m still really proud of that one.
Saw a clip of a standup comedian the other day, and he says something along the lines of “the first time I had sex it was terrible… the first time I had sex…” and a woman chimes in with “you mean yesterday? ” crowd laughs for a while, and while the comedian is waiting for them to calm down you can see the gears turn in his head, once it gets down to basically a few chuckles, he just says “Glad you remember ” and the crowd just lost their [marbles], it was amazing
My grandma asked my cousin, who’d had lots of partners and 2 kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married.
Cousin: It’s not the same nowadays. We don’t buy cars without test driving them first.
Grandma: Yeah. But they don’t let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either.
Point goes to Granny.
A friend of mine was getting b****ed at by these 2 identical twin girls in a class I had once, he replied with a troubling look on his face and said “if you two are identical, how come only 1 of you are hot?” That dude played the long game as those two girls looked rather perplexed for the rest of the session.
“If you weren’t so stupid what would you be?” Asks the husband. The wife replies, without even skipping a beat. “Single”
I have a twin brother. I’m older.
He once told me when I came out, they knew it was a mistake and immediately tried again.
I told him he was the “buy one get one of equal or lesser value free”.
There was a fight after that one
18th Century British radical politician John Wilkes was told in parliament by a political opponent “Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox”.
Wilkes shot back with “That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship’s principles or your mistress.”
My grandparents used to bicker. My grandmother generally came out on top, as she was fierier. One time though, she was asking him to do a bunch of stuff, and he muttered
“If you’d lose some weight, you could do it yourself.”
She fixed her gaze on him, and glowered “I’m thinking of getting rid of about 200 lbs of useless fat immediately…”
He replied “You’re going to cut off your foot?”
When my younger brother was about 5 he would hold up a picture of an ape and say “Hey, look in this mirror”, to which my older brother replied “That’s a picture of an ape but I see why you thought it was a mirror.”
A dude in my class called out a semi friend of mine, that people are talking behind his back. In fact, that wasn’t the case, as far as I know, and that guy said: “Well you know what the say about you? Nothing, nobody fucking cares.”
It’s gotta be the Aliens locker room scene for me.
Hudson: “Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?”
Vasquez: “No, have you?”
English class in Middle School
Kid A – “yo, Kid B, your mama waited on me at McDonalds last night. Must feel like shit having a mom that works at McDonalds”
Kid B- ” at least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work”
English teacher far louder than he realized “DAYUM!”
The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on…
I used to work with this like 70 year old woman, she was our supervisor, and one day one of the ladies who worked with us told this old lady to “kiss my ass” and the old lady replied “where do I start, you’re so fat your crack goes all the way up your back”
I asked my mother why she always wears makeup despite being in her 40s.
She told me she wears makeup so she doesn’t look like me
I was 9
Quiet guy in my art class got called queer bait.
He replied with “If I’m the bait then you’re the catch of the day”
One of my co-workers was cold-calling customers, trying to get appointments to drum up business. One of them told him to, “go f*** his hand,” and he responded with “I’ve got that penciled in for 3. I should be done by 4 if you’d like to come in for an appointment then?” The guy laughed his ass off, and ended up coming in for the appointment.
A friend in highschool on our way to a track meet. He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice. When this dbag saw him.
Dbag: “why bothering looking at that when you know you’ll never be able to get one?”
My friend: “the same reason you watch adult movies”
The entire bus erupted and it’s still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.
Was out with a friend who was wearing a silly outfit. Someone came up and said “Why are you wearing that, it’s not Halloween!” He replied with “Then why don’t you take off that hideous mask?”
I work at a hotel. A few years ago this guest got into a spat with our security officer over something, but she wasn’t getting whatever she wanted so she told him he was full of s___
Our security officer replied immediately, “no I’m not, I took care of that this morning. But thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity.” At this time I was about to bust up laughing so I had to excuse myself to the back office, and as I was leaving I heard him continuing on with this lady, deadpan, “but I promise I eat a healthy diet full of fiber. It warms my heart to know you’re concerned with me having regular bowel movements. So the next time I’m constipated I know you’re thinking of me,” It continued on and on, and all the more he’s playing this deadpan and it’s making the lady madder and madder, and I’m in the back laughing so hard I’m nearly crying.
After that spiel was over though she didn’t give us anymore problems the rest of the night.
Many, many years ago, when we were about 18, a friend of mine was arguing with another person we knew. This person was trying to be a badass and intimidate my buddy. He says”my feet are registered”. Without missing a beat my friend replies”Where? Health & Sanitation?”. Forty years later I still crack up at this when it comes to mind.
So there was 2 girls fighting and one of them looks at my sister who was minding her own busyness and says: you go to hell too!
My sister:do you want me to say anything to your mom?
This happened about 5 years ago now. There was this one annoying kid in my math class in high school. Being loud, ignoring the teacher. He was mixed race, only bringing this up because it’s related. He’s talking rather loudly with a guy next to him. Teacher tells him “shut the hell up.” Kid makes a point that he’s half black and being mean to him is racist (some stupid shit like that.) Teacher looks him dead in the eyes and says “I was talking to your white half, stupid.” Hands *down my favorite teacher.
My brother was in his history class that just happened to have accumulated all the really disruptive and not-so-intelligent kids. They’d constantly interrupt and make the class hell, and the teacher didn’t really do anything about it.
One day, a girl who had caused a ton of problems acted up in the usual way to derail the class and he had had enough. He turned to her and told her to shut up and she flipped. The teacher told her to be careful what she says to him, because she might be working for him one day. My brother turns to the teacher and goes, “Nah, I don’t plan on being a pimp.”
The class loses it, the teacher has to step out from laughing, and that girl apparently didn’t bother my brother for the rest of the year.
A french manager and a Karen were arguing. Karen: customers are kings. Managers: you’re in France, here we decapitate kings.
An arab poet met a guy on the streets, trying to belittle the poet the guy said “i saw you from afar i thought you were a woman” the poet responded “i saw you from afar and thought you were a man”
Once some woman was trying to road rage with my dad in a parking lot and he said in a monotone voice to reply to her, “why don’t you act your age and die?”
I’d have to save my own. I had this one teacher in high school who taught computer classes and I had taken almost every class she offered so I knew her very well and we mostly just goofed off in her class as long as we got our work done. I was trying to date her daughter throughout all of high school and everyone knew including her and every time I met something up or made a fool of myself she would hit me with “and that’s why you don’t have a girlfriend” this became a trend and about 4 weeks after it was a thing she said it to me one last time and I hit her back with “That’s why you can’t keep a man” she had been through about five marriages and had one kid with each and everyone knew because she talked about it before. As soon as I said that she got red and chuckled and the whole class stopped what they were doing and stared at me like I slapped her straight across the face. One of the over-dramatic kids even ran out of classroom hollering.
In high school me and my boyfriend (we were gay) were walking together and some dumbass came up and said “Why are you guys always together? What’re you, gay?” So my man said “Why, are you interested?”
Marylin monroe once had someone tell her “the only reason you look so beautiful is your expensive clothes.” The next day she went and did a photoshoot in nothing but a potato sack. I plan on getting that as a tattoo.
Not heard, but read. Easily the Spartans reply to Philip II of Macedon:
“As Philip II of Macedon was conquering Greek city-states left and right, Sparta was left alone. Philip had achieved a crushing victory, and Sparta was relatively weak and without walls. Philip sent a message to the Spartans saying “If I invade Lakonia you will be destroyed, never to rise again.” The Spartans replied with one word, “If.”
It was a exchange between 2 co-workers a few years back, basically a slut shaming gone wrong. Person A had only ever slept with one person, their previous boyfriend that they were still obsessed with. Person B was the opposite and would bang a different person every week.
Person A: “I can’t believe how many people you’ve slept with, I don’t understand how people can have sex with someone they aren’t in love with”
Person B: “Well your ex-boyfriend seemed to manage it okay”
Person A: silence as he dies inside
Once heard it as “after they had you they got to pick one they actually wanted”. From the outside stuff like that sounds rough, but they seem not to care much.
I can’t remember the best one I’ve heard, but I can remember the best comeback I ever did. It is also, in fact, the only good comeback I ever did. I was in 7th grade, and we were in the locker room after gym. People were discussing shoe sizes because this one kid had enormous feet. I don’t know if I have small feet, but mine were the smallest. They said, “Small feet, you know what that means!” I didn’t mind too much, but one kid crossed the line. He said, “Don’t worry, fella, there’s like 10 different ways to make it bigger.” So I said, “Have you tried all 10?”
Not very impressive, but it shut him up.
Overheard by me, the school bus driver, one fifth grade student was belittling a first grader. When it was time for a comeback, first grader shouts out, “Congratulations!”
The bewildered fifth grader had nothing to say and went to sit down with her friends in the back of the bus.
I have a bunch but one of the more memorable ones was back in 8th grade. For context I didn’t make the basketball team 7th grade, but I made the team in 8th grade.
This kid that was on the team the previous year but didn’t make it currently was really upset and telling me how bad I am and blah blah blah. I told him that if he is better than me then why didn’t he make the team, and he replied with “it’s just cause of my grades bro”.
So I replied with “oh so you’re just fucking stupid then?”
He gave up cause it was either accept that he was bad or accept he was an idiot so…
I was 14 or 15 and had a quiet nerdy friend with really bad acne. My older brother had these three friends, all brothers 2, 3, & 4 years older than me and my friend. They were all gangsta, & started their own gang, which I always thought was really funny. Me and my friend walked in the front door my brother and his friends were all sitting at the TV playing Halo. One of the brothers looked at my friend and said “holy shit Sam, I got two words for you ACNEEE PADS” Sam replied “Cool and I got two words for you Johnny SPEECH THERAPY” The guy had a pretty bad stutter. He jumped right up and started trying to fight my friend. As long as I could remember after that he wanted to fight Sam, but we just ignored them. I dunno why this stuck with me for so long, it was such perfect delivery and shut down of a bully.
When I was in high school I had an ancient history class with a teacher named Mr. O’Neil. He was a really educated and well-spoken (but quiet) younger guy, a bit chubby with clurly blond hair, and liked wearing bow ties.
In this same class was this kid named Jake, who was one of those kids that always acted like a smartass to every teacher in order to try and get a laugh. He was so annoying he actually had a stapler thrown at his direction by another teacher, which is a whole other story I told the other day.
Anyway, I remember one day Mr. O’Neil was having trouble reaching the string to pull down the screen for the projector. He would make little jumps and swat at the string, but just barely couldn’t get it. Jake noticed and saw an opportunity so he yelled out, “What’s the matter Mr. O’Neil, can’t reach?” Him and his buddies chuckled to themselves like a bunch of goons in the corner. Mr. O’Neil replied, “No, Jake. I’m just getting my morning exercise.” and then he started touching his toes.
It wasn’t the most clever comeback, but coming from a guy like Mr. O’Neil it was pretty hilarious. More importantly, it shut Jake up and a majority of the class started laughing at him. Mr. O’Neil became a bit of a hero for being the guy to shut down one of the annoying smart ass kids that would always disrupt class.
I was 13 years old:
Carrying a bunch of books for the teacher. Some joker thought it was funny to pretend to fall right in front of me.
I told him: don’t fall for me man.
My whole book carrying crew and his prank crew all started bursting into laughter. I didn’t register what had happened until much later.
This short guy at a bar was talking shit to my friend and he said “I’m going to be the bigger man and walk away.” To which my friend replied, “you will never be the bigger man”
Back in the day, being openly gay could be downright dangerous, but George didn’t really gaf. Someone called him a queen and he responded, “I’ll have you know: my mother is still alive, which makes me a princess!”
Once worked w a “Karen” who was actually named Karen. In addition to being a b!tch on wheels, she was also next level morbidly obese. One day, I was on the phone with one of our clients who, in the course of the conversation, complained about her to me. I took the complaint to our team lead. She said, “Yeah, I get a lot of complaints about her, but she says the clients don’t like her because she’s heavy.” Before I could stop myself, I shot back with, “But Jo, if I were blind I’d still think she’s a b!tch!”
Air Traffic Control doing a poor job of vectoring an Airbus A330 in for landing. Pilot: “You’ve left us too high, I don’t think we can make the approach.” ATC: “You’ve got speedbrakes on that thing, don’t you?” Pilot: (After a noticeable pause) “Yes, but those are for my mistakes, not yours.”
In class someone used the f slur on someone and he replied with “I’m probably as straight as the pole your mom dances on”
Back in high school, I was in the orchestra. We went on several big national trips each year.
One year, a group of upper classmen were busted for pot in their hotel room. Everyone except one guy was suspended and prohibited to attend future trips.
The one guy who wasnt in trouble apparently hid in the shower and played dumb, and they believed him.
So a week later the entire orchestra is practicing with the teaching assistant when our conductor enters the practice room, and in front of the entire 114 members of the orchestra, says “Jason, all your friends ratted you out. They’re mad. I’m mad. You played me like a fiddle.”
“That’s what I play,” Jason replied, raising his violin.
I went to Catholic school and the teacher said “there’s a special place in hell for people like you” and I said back “see you there”
Overheard some little kids bickering on the train, little boy (maybe 6 or 7) says to younger girl (maybe 4): “you can’t even READ!”
She says, “oh yeah? Well at least I don’t EAT MY BOOGERS!!!”
Prob Dylan’s last phrase of Positively 4th St:
I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes
You’d know what a drag it is to see you
Is it cheating to use one of my own?
I work in construction and a lot of the guys are exactly what you would expect from construction workers. There was one particularly loud one on this job. He would always go on about drinking and how much he drinks and the ensuing consequences. He went so far as to say he’s never sold a car; he wrecks them, usually while drunk driving.
I just recently purchased a house and another guy was asking me about it. The loud guy heard this and said, “What the fuck? I’m a journeyman and all I can afford is a basement suite in Langford (which is far away and considered sub optional). You’re just an apprentice, how can you afford a house?”
And I just said, “I don’t have any drinking stories.”
Between to ferns with Obama.
Zach: “It must kinda stink that you can’t run three times.”
Obama: “No, actually i think it’s a good idea. If I ran a third time would be kinda like doing a third hangover movie. Didn’t really work out very well, didn’t it”
When your ex calls you stupid, you respond “you’re proof of that”
Probably not the best of all time but here goes, at work one night my crew was cleaning up trash out of the middle of the interstate inside of a lane closure. We get up to where another crew is working on machines, and these guys are assholes. They seriously act like they are Gods gift to construction, so the conversation goes as this.
Me: can y’all move over for a second so we can get by?
Douche to his guys: c’mon guys let’s get out of this little lady’s way so she can pick up our trash.
Douche to me: y’all are slower than hell, plus look you even missed some.
Me: oh I’m sorry I don’t think I can fit you in this bag, I’ll come back after I open a new one and maybe we can squeeze you in there
“There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair,” – Alexander Hamilton to Thomas Jefferson
Arguing with my mom for the millionth time, and she would always say something along the lines of “you’re just like your father”.
One day i got tired of it, and told her:
“im not like my father, i’m smarter than him”
“oh yeah? and why is that?”
“because i had a girlfriend like you and i broke up with her”
Didn’t talk to me for a couple of days.
Timur the emperor of the Timurid Empire sent a chest full of horse poop to the Ottoman sultan Bayezid and the sultan sent back a chest full of sweets and delights with a note that said ” Everybody gifts what they eat.”
“Mr. Faraday, your demonstration is very interesting, but for what purpose does demonstrating that electricity and magnetism are related serve?”
“I’m not sure Sir, but no doubt one day you’ll find a way to tax it.”
Alleged interaction of a politician and James Faraday, who discovered and demonstrated the link between electricity and magnetism and consequently the electric motor and entire basis for the power stations we all use every day.
Being a lesbian, I get the ‘you never had a real man’ pretty often.
Someone stood up for me: well no one around here…
Said this to my mom. I was on the toilet about 5 minutes before we left for a doctor’s appointment (I really had to poop). She called my name and said, “Where are you?”. I told her were I was. “Well get your ass busy and come on!”
I replied, “Where do you think the poop comes from?'”.